I Can't Orgasm With a Partner Anymore

Around two years ago, I stopped orgasming from penetrative sex, which was sad, but I could still get off with some C-spot stimulation from my partner. However, now I can't do that anymore — but I can get off by myself fairly easily and multiple times. One of the reasons I attributed my declining orgasm count was dissatisfaction with my partner, which I changed, but my count continues to decline. I'm thinking now it's a personal psych-out problem. I am already convinced I won't get off and I feel badly for my partner working so hard with very little reward. Are there any tips or tricks to getting around this mental block?

This is a classic anxiety paradox: The harder you try not to worry, the more worried you become. The more you try to relax, the less relaxed you feel. Whether it's a basketball player choking in the final seconds, or a musician worrying so much about technique that she forgets the feel, it's hard to force yourself to be in the moment. Stress is usually a multiplying force; it feeds on itself.

The classic zen-and-the-art-of-orgasm advice here is usually to focus on the journey, not the destination: Allow yourself to enjoy everything else that's pleasurable about sex — and tell your partner to do the same. Crack a joke, break the tension, take your time. Ask for what you want. Worry less about what makes you come than what makes you feel good.

Also, since you can get yourself off easily, I hope you're using your own fingers or toys when you're in bed with your partner. Combined with sex or separate, watching you get off will surely turn him on — and he'll know that you're getting everything you want. He can even watch and learn more about what you like. As always, you're more likely to get what you want if you ask for it. So show him around your body and introduce what you enjoy. Say what you like, what you want, and have fun.

Everyone goes through sexual slumps, so don't worry. It's only a matter of time until you get your groove back.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is my first everything — first love, first time, first relationship longer than a couple months. He has serious social anxiety. I've been patient with him and tried to help him through it, but it definitely impacts our communication. He tells me he wants to change and is working on it. I love him, but sometimes I wonder if I would be happier with someone else. I enjoy the attention I get from other guys, and I have little "crushes" from time to time. This makes me feel incredibly guilty. Breaking up with him would break my heart. Still, I wonder if I would be sparing both of us more pain down the road. What do I do?

A first love is unlike any other. It's the one time there is literally no comparison. So it's hard to tell what's normal, what's healthy or right for you, and, most of all, how to move on.

You love this guy, so maybe you do want to continue to make this work.You can continue to talk these issues out, suggest he get some therapy, and, most of all, continue to be patient. Social anxiety isn't something that can be cured overnight with a magic pill. I know he's promising that he will change, but please remember that you'll only ever be dating your boyfriend as he exists, and not the hypothetical version you hope he will become. You have to accept this part of him too. He may indeed change eventually, but the actual relationship you're in now has to work for you. Don't bet on being happy some day; ask yourself if you can make this relationship as he is now.

Helping someone work through their deep-seated issues on a daily basis is a wonderful thing, whether that's social anxiety or anything else. But you have to be careful about who you choose to help and how long you choose to help them and how easy it is to confuse dating with helping. As you date more, you'll realize that everyone you date will have their own problems — and it's not particularly your job to fix them, or even to help them if it's time to move on. You'll also likely meet a few people who try to get you to stay together because they say the relationship might save them, even if that's rarely true. Anyone with a big heart has likely stretched a relationship out too long, whether because of pure guilt or the most selfless intentions.

Prolonging a relationship that doesn't make you happy rarely helps anyone. So please don't feel like you have to save this guy. And please don't feel guilty: There's nothing wrong with wondering if you'd be happier with someone else. Relationships are choices that you make, again and again — and a healthy relationship can stand up to that most basic hypothetical: Would I be happier with someone else?

This is the only guy you've ever dated seriously; of course you should think it over. A great relationship isn't built on blindness. You shouldn't have to pretend that all the other dudes on earth don't exist.

If you think you'd be happier with someone else, or all alone, that's fine too. There's nothing wrong with a first love running its course. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with this guy to make this relationship wrong for you. Maybe he is a wonderful guy to date … for a year. Maybe he's not a wonderful guy to date for two or more. Maybe you're too young to commit to one person right now. Maybe you'd like to date other guys. Maybe you'd like to be single for a bit. Any of those options is absolutely fine. You only ever need one reason to break up with a guy and that's simply that you don't want to be with him.

Obviously, if you want to keep working on this relationship, go for it, but also work on accepting him wholly, including his anxiety. Otherwise, let yourself off the hook. Breaking up with a first love is definitely hard. It will hurt. But it will hurt less if you do it sooner than later.  A clean break always heals faster.

My boyfriend's friendship with his roommate's girlfriend is driving a wedge in our relationship. I don't know if I'm overreacting, but this has turned our happy relationship of 2.5 years into an occasionally toxic one. My boyfriend and his roommate's girlfriend are both aspiring medical students and have taken several classes together since freshman year. When his roommate left to study abroad, she started seeking additional company from my boyfriend. This wasn't a problem because I figured she was lonely and they mutually benefit from an academic friendship. I even tried being friends with her, but her shallowness, petty gossip, and obsessive need to chronicle her life on social media wasn't for me. Things became much more dramatic the following semester when she discovered her boyfriend cheated while abroad. They stayed together, but she constantly seeks attention from my boyfriend. He's blind to seeing that she treats him like a proxy boyfriend. I trust him, but he's a genuinely caring and oblivious soul. She often stops by his room unannounced, texts unnecessarily (even sending hearts), asks him to go to events or walk to class together, and pleads him to take more classes with her, despite already sharing three classes a semester. Even on breaks, she wants him to come visit or go to the library together to study for MCATs. After I talked with my boyfriend, he said he'll reinforce a more appropriate and academic friendship, but I haven't seen much change. This has made me so frustrated, yet he chalks it up to jealousy. This has caused so many fights between us and at one point nearly led to a breakup. I told him I couldn't stand how she was talking so badly about her friend yet acts like best friends in her presence. I suggested telling the truth [to her friend] and he flipped out, accused me of blackmailing her, and said he'd break up if I did something like that. Am I being irrational? Or is there genuine cause for concern? I want our relationship to be good again. Things are fine when she's not in the picture, but that's not healthy for any relationship. What should I do?

Please don't hire a hit man to take this other woman out.

It's clear that you really hate this girl. It's not just that she spends time with your boyfriend: You think she's a shallow gossip who uses social media too much and talks about her friends behind their backs. I can tell it makes your skin crawl to see her send heart emojis to your boyfriend.

I don't think you're being entirely irrational. It sounds like this woman is clinging to your boyfriend too much. It sounds like she's using him as a social crutch while her boyfriend is away. And it sounds like your boyfriend isn't doing a great job of explaining or limiting that friendship in order to make you feel safe.

However, I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend feels that he should "reinforce a more appropriate" friendship. Sometimes, we all worry that a partner's close friendship might turn romantic, but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend would cheat with her, particularly because she's his friend's girlfriend. This "proxy boyfriend" situation sounds unfortunate and irritating, but doesn't sound too dangerous to me. It just sounds like a pain in the ass, for both of you.

From your boyfriend's perspective, he's probably thinking that he's just studying hard with a fellow pre-med student and this is all innocent: His girlfriend (you) hates his good friend, who shares his interests and his trust, and has developed this baseless jealousy. He thinks: If she were a guy, maybe this wouldn't be such a big deal. But she isn't. And you're both nearing the end of college, when he's going to head off to med school, so of course you're anxious about your relationship.

Frankly, I think that very understandable anxiety is causing you to go a bit overboard. You crossed a line when you suggested that you should go tell her friend what she was saying about her: That's not cool. In that case, I bet your boyfriend is right that this suggestion was motivated more by resentment than your notion of right and wrong. I'm sure his guy friends have said the occasional unkind thing about other people. Have you ever ratted them out? If not, did you want to punish her for getting too close?

Look, we all lash out sometimes. But if you keep acting out like that, you're going to create some self-destructive, distracting fights, instead of addressing the core questions here: Where do the two of you stand? How secure are you as graduation nears? Maybe you can talk more about those fundamental issues, since it sounds like you've talked about this girl enough. He knows it's driving you crazy that he's spending so much time with her. (At the very least, try saying, "I'd like you to spend more time with me," since hopeful requests trump negative commands like, "Stop spending so much time with her.") Besides, there's really nothing more to say about this woman and it sounds like you're spinning in circles. I think you've probably taken the outrage as far as it will go.

My advice: Spend less time thinking about your boyfriend's study partner and focus more on your actual relationship. Try to be bigger than your jealousy; seething jealousy is just not a good look for anyone. Let him see you confident. The next time it flares up, remind yourself: He's got a friend that you don't like, but he's yourboyfriend. End of story.

'Suspiria' Is Intense, Grotesque, and Kinda Orgasmic

Halloween isn’t just a holiday—it’s our entire October mood. So celebrate the best time of year with a month’s worth of stories that will keep you up all night long. (Binge-watching and eating candy, probably. Same, tbh.) Cheers, witches!

---

This post contains spoilers for Suspiria, now playing in theaters.

In Spanish, “suspiria” is the word for “sigh,” or the act of exhaling after a long breath. That is exactly what you end up doing when you finish watching Luca Guadagnino’s remake of the 1977 classic horror film Suspiria, because you realize you’ve just been holding your breath for two and a half hours. Yes, it’s a little on the long side (152 minutes, to be exact) but Suspiria is a discomforting, bold, quiet, messy journey that’s equally as beautiful as it is terrifying.

If you aren’t familiar with the original Dario Argento movie, here’s the O.G.'s basic plot: a woman named Susie (Jessica Harper) goes to a fancy ballet school that oh, by the way, is run by witches. Oops, forgot to tell you, Susie!

In Guadagnino’s reimagining, Susie (Dakota Johnson) is a young American Mennonite (as in, super religious) woman who has big dreams of dancing at Berlin’s renowned Markos Dance Academy. She arrives at the Academy in the fall of 1977—a time when rebel armies were setting off literal bombs in the street. She wants to audition at the all-female dance school, despite the head mistress Madame Blanc (Tilda Swinton) telling Susie that the government “wanted the women to shut off their minds and keep their uteruses open.”

Coincidentally (or not), the school just so happens to have an empty spot, as one of their top dancers, Patricia (Chloë Grace Moretz), has disappeared after a wholly upsetting, utterly confusing opening scene that will transfix you.

After an intense audition—that weirdly orgasmic, seizure-y clip you've probably seen meme'd already—she is not only offered a spot at the Academy, but is given Patricia’s former room, and lands the lead spot in the next show. But our girl Susie isn’t what she appears to be. Then again, neither are any of the women in the Academy.

There’s a lot to absorb in the relationships between the women at the dance school. For one, the symbolism of the “madames” of the home (the older women like Blanc, some of whom used to be dancers themselves) and how they view and treat their students, or “daughters.”

On one hand, the madames are the caretakers of the school. They make sure the girls are healthy, fed, and cared for. On the other hand, they also watch their protégés
with something that seems like hunger—which is fitting considering they eat a few of their dancers. 

IS WHAT THE COVEN DOES AN ACT OF SELF-PRESERVATION? OR A UNIFYING ACT OF WOMEN?

Yes, eat! As in for food! And it’s not even a real spoiler because we find out about this casual cannibalism with a telling scene early on. You know how moms can be! But even that act feels like it is done with intent beyond just, “yum, fiber.”

Is what the coven does an act of self-preservation? Or a unifying act of women? Is it a statement of youth and beauty versus aging and wisdom? This is where there’s some slight confusion over who is really telling this story. Guadagnino is a wonderful storyteller, and though he can touch on the female energy, he can’t fully encompass it the way a woman might have been able to.

I had to sit and wonder what I would be feeling had this film been made by a woman. Having the plot be centered in a dance studio is pretty brilliant as dance’s beauty can be enchanting. To dance is to release an energy within your body in celebration, in love, in angst, and a woman’s relationship with her body and all the power that body can hold is complicated, and deep.

In its climax, the act of dance is truly an act of worship, and in a way, also a connection to motherhood. How intense, grotesque, surreal, and terrifying the act of giving—and taking—life can be. How women have the power to preserve or extinguish humanity in their bodies is stunning to see on screen. Guadagnino’s vision here is going to be hard to stomach for many—but it is so worth the watch.

SUSPIRIA IS A FEMININE AND FEMINIST HORROR EXPERIENCE THAT ISN’T FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.

Guadagnino has a knack for opening up the senses. Just as you could feel the warmth of the Italian summer (and kinda taste the peach) as it enveloped the ache of first love in Call Me By Your Name, you can feel the bitter chill of Berlin in Suspiria. You can breathe the cold, musty air within the walls of the dance school, and taste the tinny flavor of the blood that flows in one of the scariest sequences ever.

Suspiria is a feminine and feminist horror experience that isn’t for the faint of heart. Walking out of my screening, I wanted to let the film sit with me to truly understand what I was feeling. It wasn’t rage. It wasn’t terror. I just couldn’t place my finger on it. Within a minute or two, two older white men walked past me and exclaimed, “I absolutely hated that movie...I don’t get it, at all!” and suddenly, I understood. It was power.

 

8 Reasons You're Not Orgasming

Having an orgasm shouldn't be like solving a difficult math problem but for a lot of women, it really can seem like that. Cosmopolitan.com spoke with several doctors to find out the real reasons why you're not getting there. 

1. You're on a medication that is making orgasms nearly impossible. Michael Krychman, MD, executive director of the Southern California Center for Sexual Health, says that medications like SSRIs (used to treat depression, anxiety, and other conditions) can diminish sex hormones in the body, and often lead to having crappy orgasms or no orgasms at all. So if the sex is actually good and it's just not happening for you, that could be why. Talk to your doctor and see if there's another medication with fewer sexual side effects that you could be taking. 

2. You're only having penis-in-vagina sex. Dr. Krychman says a lot of the time, guys think they're incredibly good at sex but they actually have no idea what they're doing. According to Justin Lehmiller, PhD, author of The Psychology of Human Sexuality, only about half of women can orgasm from penetration alone, so it's no wonder you're having problems with the jackhammer method. Try adding in clitoral stimulation via your own hand or a vibrator on your clitoris during sex. 

3. You're not getting enough (or *gasp* any) foreplay. A lot of women fake orgasms because a lot of men fake foreplay, according to Dr. Krychman. Definitely a mic drop quote, but seriously, if your guy isn't giving you enough (or any) foreplay, you're never actually getting turned on and it's pretty hard to have an orgasm when you're not even turned on. So tell him to slow the hell down already and give you the time to get there. 

4. You're too stressed out to really enjoy sex. Many women spend a lot of time during sex worried about unintended pregnancy and STDs, as well as whether this guy is good for them or whether he's faithful. According to Raegan McDonald-Mosley, MD, MPH, chief medical officer at Planned Parenthood Federation of America, that makes it really hard for women to let go and be in the moment sexually. All of those worries are giving me a headache just thinking about them, so it's not a shocker that you can't be that stressed out and then release with a bunch of orgasms. 

5. You have no idea what works for you. The vagina has a lot of parts to it and it's not like we learn a ton about how it all works when we're growing up, so Dr. McDonald-Mosley says many women don't even know what feels good to them. She suggests trying to masturbate while stimulating your clitoris and inside your vagina at the same time (try The Rabbit) or separately to figure out what you like, and then share that with your partner. 

6. You're putting way too much pressure on yourself to have an orgasm quickly. If you're lying there nervous or tired or feeling uncomfortable about how much time has passed with you still not having had an orgasm, you're creating a vicious cycle of no orgasms. Dr. McDonald-Mosley says that having that pressure to have or give an orgasm just results in everyone being stressed out and not coming. Not ideal. Try not to think about orgasming and just enjoy the sensations instead. You'll come when you least expect it. 

7. You might just need some lube. About 40 percent of women don't produce enough natural lubrication to enjoy sex. Dr. McDonald-Mosley says that even if your body normally gets wet, sometimes the chemistry of condoms, hormones, and emotions can throw that off and leave you dry. Just adding lubricant (ALERT: it's not just for old ladies, it's for every lady) is an easy way to make you feel more comfortable and orgasm-ready. 

8. There's an actual anatomical or physical problem you need to get checked out. True medical problems that affect your ability to orgasm are rare, according to Karen Elizabeth Boyle, MD, FACS, but it is possible to have things like clitoral entrapment, which is when the clitoris literally gets trapped under the clitoral hood skin, making it less sensitive. If you're having significant trouble orgasming, check with your gynecologist to make sure nothing like that is going on. But mostly, Dr. Boyle says it's about finding out what you like via masturbation or toys, and then finding a partner who wants to take you there. 

Why One Orgasm Is Never Enough

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" Those are the words that burst from Cassie Webster's mouth the night she experienced her first multiple orgasm. "That night changed my life forever," recalls the 28-year-old lifeguard from La Jolla, Calif. "I'd had orgasms before, plenty of them. But I never understood what the big deal was. I'd come, he'd come, we'd fall asleep. Then one night, after I'd had my typical one-shot, my boyfriend kept thrusting. All of a sudden, I felt like I was going to come again. I just gave into the feeling, and my body exploded. It was as though I was rocking on the ocean and every wave drove these amazing pulses of pleasure through me." Now, Cassie says once is never enough -- and she's learned how to make multiple orgasms a regular event.

Cassie's not the only one with the potential for plural peaking. You can make multiples part of your sexual repertoire too! "If you can have one orgasm, you can have more than one," insists Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., author of Supersexual Orgasm (HarperCollins, 1997). That's because when it comes to coming, we women have it made. Men -- the poor things -- have what's called a refractory period. (In other words, they need a break -- and sometimes a nap -- between orgasms.) Not so with women: We can ride wave after wave without a time-out. In fact, most women are actually capable of two different types of multiples. (Why not try for both?)

Sequential multiples are a series of climaxes that come fairly close together -- from two to 10 minutes apart -- with a drop-off in your arousal in between. "It's just like riding a roller coaster: You dip down after the first hill before climbing back up another one," explains Susan Crain Bakos, author of Sexational Secrets (St. Martin's Press, 1996). The most common scenario for sequentials: an oral sex climax followed by another climax during intercourse. Serial multiples are an even wilder ride: Your orgasms come one after another, separated by mere seconds with barely any interruption in arousal. "Here you feel wave after wave of pleasure, one on top of the other," says Bakos. You're most likely to have your boat rocked by serials during full-force intercourse as he hits one or more of your hottest spots. So, ready to go from "O" to "OOOOO!"?

Here, Cosmo's eight steps to making your lovemaking a many-splendored thing.

If you're not enjoying multiple orgasms, it's probably because you're simply not seeking them out. Lori, a 27-year-old media buyer from Princeton, N.J., says that her "single-mindedness" was all that was holding her back from having a multiple. "I always assumed I could only come once, so after I had an orgasm, I'd just concentrate on pleasing the guy I was with. Then one night, I was in bed with a new guy, someone who really turned me on. Even after I came I was really aroused, so I tried to have a second one just for the hell of it. And I did! Now I have multiples at least half the time."

Bonus tip: If you always stop after one orgasm because your genitals become hypersensitive to the touch, try waiting 10 to 15 seconds, and then resume stimulation. "You'll be astonished at how quickly you come again," assures Bakos.

Whether you're going for your first orgasm or your fourth, starting a sexual encounter with oral sex may be all it takes to ring your bell repeatedly. "I've found that for most women, the most successful way to have multiple orgasms is to receive oral sex before having intercourse," says Bakos.

One oral-sex technique he should try: The Flame. Your lover can set you on fire by imagining the tip of his tongue is a fluttering candle flame and moving it rapidly around the sides of the clitoris, above and below it, as a flame would flicker. "It's a combination of varied and repeated stimuli, and almost everyone will respond quickly to that," she insists. Since this is a technique for your man to use, we suggest you leave this magazine lying open in a spot where he won't be able to miss it (like underneath the remote).

For some women, the G-spot -- a highly excitable area in the vagina -- is the secret to having orgasmic encores. Kathy, a 30-year-old aerobics instructor from Syracuse, N.Y., says her climaxes before she discovered the G-spot were anticlimactic. "I never believed the articles I read about the existence of the G-spot until the night my husband and I accidentally found it," says Kathy. "He was thrusting really slowly and deeply. At first, I almost felt like I had to pee, and then all of a sudden, this unbelievable sensation washed over me. He stayed right there inside me and I just kept on coming. I must have had more than seven orgasms in the span of minutes."

Since you can only feel the G-spot when you're aroused -- the area swells with blood and becomes rough and raised -- save searching for it for times when you're feeling frisky. When you're ready, lie on your back and reach your index and middle fingers about two inches into your vaginal canal (your palm should be facing up). Rub the pads of your fingers around the top wall of your vagina. Your G-spot will probably feel like a rough patch about the size of a quarter. The first time you stimulate the G-spot -- which some experts say is directly connected to the orgasm center in your brain -- you'll probably feel like you need to urinate. For most women, that sensation decreases the more the spot is stimulated. If you don't feel anything, don't worry, you and your partner might have more luck (and more fun!) just experimenting until you find it.

The angle of your hips determines both the depth and angle of your lover's penis inside and outside your vagina, so simple adjustments may increase the friction on your hot spots and bring on the multiples. "One night in bed, my boyfriend and I found that if I lifted my rear end off the bed while we were having sex, he could penetrate me much, much deeper," says Kathryn, 31, a pharmaceuticals salesperson from Tulsa, Okla. "Having my hips propped up with a pillow allowed him to hit my G-spot really hard. Suddenly I just started coming and coming -- it was like nothing I'd ever felt before." Tricks to try: Position a pillow under your lower back or ask your man to lift your pelvis so that your vagina is slightly elevated, lower back pushed down. Or have him enter your vagina from behind -- many women find doing it doggie-style makes G-spot stimulation easier.

Keesling says she's found a new trigger site she calls the cul-de-sac deep within the vagina. Located near the cervix, it only becomes accessible to his penis when you become extremely aroused and the muscles around the uterus lift up. To find yours, next time you're making love in the missionary position, lift your legs up in the air and back toward your body. Then suck in your stomach. This combination of moves should allow his penis access. "When my boyfriend and I first tried sex with my knees pulled back toward my ears, I felt his penis hit a very sensitive place inside of me I had never felt before," recalls Sue, a 29-year-old clothing-store manager from Duluth, Minn. "Then I had a tremendous rush of pleasure that radiated through my whole body."

Why waste time toning your tummy when you could be exercising your orgasm muscles? "Studies have shown that the stronger the PC or pubococcygeus muscles -- the ones that contract when you have an orgasm or cut off the flow of urine -- the greater a woman's orgasmic response," says Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. "So strengthening your PC muscles with exercises called Kegels is the most important thing you can do to improve your chances of having multiple orgasms."

Trudy, a 38-year-old physical therapist from Seattle, can testify to the power of PC exercises. "I was dating my future husband when I heard that doing Kegel exercises could boost pleasure," Trudy recalls. "I started doing 20 of them every day. About a month later, my fiance and I were playing around in bed with different positions, and I suddenly felt a tremendous flood of pleasure. It was as though the most sensation I had previously had was a 3 and this was a 10. Every muscle seemed to contract and release in an unbelievable spasm. Even more unbelievably, the orgasm repeated ... and repeated. That was all it took to make me a Kegel believer!"

To start your own Kegel routine, squeeze the same muscles you would to control your flow of urine for three seconds, and then relax for three seconds. Repeat 10 times, working your way up to a series of 50, three times a day. "These exercises are great to do during a boring meeting at work," says Whipple with a laugh. "Because they increase blood flow to the genitals, they can get you pretty excited. People will think you're really paying attention because your cheeks will be rosy and you'll have a big smile on your face." And try working out during sex: not only will the extra flexing boost your arousal, it will give him a squeeze he'll never forget.

"You can increase your chances of having a multiple simply by observing all the things that happen involuntarily when you approach orgasm and doing them intentionally," says Keesling. Moaning out loud, breathing faster and harder, and tightening and loosening your pelvic muscles will send your body signals that it's time for another orgasm, and that will make multiples more likely. "Eventually, you may even condition your body to become excited again automatically," she says.

Take it from Tess, a 30-year-old Chicago theater manager: "One night, I had just finished climaxing during sex with my husband, but he was just getting started. I didn't want to just lay there like a log, so I closed my eyes and started making some moaning noises. The more I moaned, the more excited my husband became, so I got even more into it -- breathing heavily and clenching and unclenching the muscles in my pelvis and butt. After about two or three minutes of this, all my playacting actually got me worked up for real! And I had my first orgasmic doubleheader."

Play With Your Peaks
Another way to fool your body into coming back for more is to practice a technique called peaking. "With this technique it's possible to teach your body a new arousal pattern," says Keesling. Think about your excitement on a 1 to 10 scale. A 2 or a 3 is a twinge of pleasure, 4 or 5 is low-level arousal, and by the time you get up to an 8, your heart is pounding, your breath is heavy, and your face is flushed. In peaking, you allow yourself to go up to a 4 or 5, then back off, taking a break from thrusting and stopping all other stimulation while you let yourself calm down for a few seconds. Then go up to a 6 and back off, then a 7 or 8 and back off, and so on. Delaying orgasm in this wavelike pattern not only results in an unusually intense orgasm, it sets you up for a second one because your body anticipates another peak.

If you're trying all these techniques and not getting results, don't despair: "Try tucking away this article and taking it out again in a few years," suggests Bakos. "We're not exactly sure why, but it appears that the closer a woman gets to 30, the likelier it is that she's going to have multiples." And no matter what your age, don't put pressure on yourself to make multiples happen -- that will just be counterproductive. "Relax and focus on the process of making love rather than simply striving for an end result," advises Whipple. "Sex is supposed to be pleasure-oriented, not goal-oriented."

How To Have Sex For The First Time With A Partner, Especially If You’ve Been Building It Up

In this week's Sex IDK column, Emma McGowan, certified sex educator and writer, answers your questions about how to enjoy penis-in-vagina sex for the first time.

Q: Me and my SO have been together for two years and have not had PIV sex yet due to health issues. Issues are gone and we're both nervous now. How do we get out of our heads and enjoy?

First of all, congratulations on resolving the health issues you were dealing with! I totally get how putting off PIV — which is a sex act that a lot of people hold up above other sex acts — could mean you and your SO might be a little more nervous to have sex than you would be otherwise. No worries — we got this.

First of all, let's talk about some of the psychological barriers that people might run into that keep them from having sex. While some barriers — like trauma, for example — may require professional help to get through, others may disappear as soon as you acknowledge them. Some people are nervous about sex because they're scared of being judged or rejected, or they're insecure about some aspect of their body or experience, or maybe they just don't want to do it! Point being: It's not uncommon for people to be nervous about sex in general, and PIV in particular.

To help you and your SO get down to business, I have a few suggestions that might seem all over the place, rather than a list you can follow from one to infinity. That’s because everyone is super different when it comes to the things that help them relax. These ideas may have totally different results from person to person, so do what you feel comfortable with. If one doesn't ring true to you, keep reading! And no matter what you do, take a deep breath, relax, and know that you're going to figure this out.

1. Try To Think About PIV Differently

Andrew Zaeh/Bustle

I know that the culture often puts PIV sex on a pedestal, way above oral or anal or any other kind of physical intimacy. So the very first thing I’m going suggest is that you kick it off that pedestal!

Placing PIV above everything else is a remnant of a time when a woman’s value — literal, monetary value as well as moral value — was directly tied to her status as a "virgin." With one act, a girl became a woman and a woman became a wife. (Or a “whore,” if she wasn’t married or was assaulted.)

You didn’t say, but I’m guessing that you and your partner have been doing “other stuff” over the past two years. Were those things fun? Sexy? Intimate? Did you enjoy them? I’d say it’s likely, or you wouldn’t be interested in adding PIV to your sex life. And if all of those things were joyful and orgasm-inducing and brought you closer together, then why should PIV be such a big deal?

So think a little bit about why you’ve put PIV way up there in the clouds, lording over the other types of sex you’ve already had with your partner. You may find that you have your own set of values and reasons why you’re prioritizing it. But you may also find that the only reason it’s so exalted is because of messages you’ve absorbed from a sex-negative culture. If that’s the case, it may be time to scrap them.

2. Work Towards It With Other Sex Acts

Andrew Zaeh/Bustle

Another way to make PIV feel like NBD (or, at least, not as big a deal) is to systemically work toward it. If you’re especially organized and systems-minded, maybe agree to doing a certain order of sex acts that you and your partner are already comfortable with. Take one week and every night add a sex act that you and your partner consider to be an escalation of sex. (Something like: first night we just kiss, second night we add under the shirt, third night hands on the genitals, fourth night oral, etc.) Make PIV the end of the schedule. That way, both you and your partner know it’s coming and when.

If you’re not one for sex schedules (and no shade on sex schedules! I think they’re great) then try adding something else to sex every time you do it. Maybe one time you have a type of oral sex (like oral to anus, for example) that you don’t usually have, or give each other hand jobs. Do that for a while and then, one time when you’re already really turned on, ask your partner if they want to do PIV. You might find that the combination of doing different things and your arousal makes it much, much easier to get out of your head.

3. Make It An Event

Andrew Zaeh/Bustle

On the total flip side, why not make it an event? For some people, planning something out can help them get used to the idea that it’s going to happen. It can also be fun to make a really big deal out of something, even if it’s not in actuality a huge deal. (See: Every birthday party ever.) Think 100 candles. Think scattered rose petals. Think very expensive champagne and French lingerie.

If that sounds like you, pick a time and a place and start planning! What are you going to wear? What decorations do you want? Lighting? Smells? I don’t know what’s important to you — but you do. Work with your partner to create exactly the environment and situation that will work best for both of you.

And finally, remember, have fun! PIV sex can be whenever and however you and your partner want it to be.