Claire Gilbertsen was 25 when she met a guy that she totally fell for. She was aware that he seemed like bad news, but she was also aware that he had sex appeal on the same level as Mick Jagger. “He was irresistible — one of those troubled man-boys who make your brain shout No! and your body scream Yes! Eventually, one night, I found myself sitting on his face, naked, per his request.”
They only had oral sex, but sometimes that’s all it takes. Claire went about her business for a few days, and then something went very wrong. “It felt like I had a cut on my clitoris, it hurt to pee, I felt a burning sensation, and I had discharge. Then I found eight or 10 sores near my labia. They looked like ingrown hairs but couldn't be popped, and they had a red, irritated ring around a white center.”
Claire found herself panicking. She went on Google, and then completely spiraled into more panic relatively quickly. She didn’t tell anyone, but she went to go see a doctor, who gave her a diagnosis. “The doctor confirmed my worst fear: I had herpes. As the tears streamed, all I could think about was that I was now unloveable and unf**kable.”
She ended up calling the Mick Jagger look-alike, furious. He said no when she asked about him having any STDs, but she soon learned that that wasn’t the whole story. “When I asked if he had herpes, he responded casually, "Oh, yeah, but just oral herpes." And that was it. Although he didn't have any visible sores on his mouth (or genitals), he gave me oral herpes on my vagina. Oh, and he didn't think we should see each other again.”
She ended up having a really tough time emotionally, not just physically. She found that after her diagnosis of herpes had been confirmed, her self esteem plummeted. “I went into a tailspin of feeling dirty, worthless, and hopeless. People like me, I thought, don't get STIs. I went to Wellesley. I am well-educated about sexual health, and I use condoms. I wear pearl earrings!”
Claire is a self-admitted open-minded person. However, she couldn’t shake off her feelings of shame about contracting herpes, and she found herself freaking out about the stereotypes. “I kept thinking about friends who were more promiscuous than I'd ever been and wondering how I was the girl who ended up with herpes. I felt ruined. I started drinking more, isolated myself from everyone, and even quit my job.”
However, Claire soon realized she wasn’t alone. She was so relieved to find a friend also had herpes and to have someone to talk to that she cried. “It was a breakthrough. I started talking about my herpes more openly and began pulling my life back together. The memory of that one-night stand stopped overwhelming me with regret.”
Now, she’s more open about having herpes. She finds that herpes isn’t something she should be ashamed of, but it’s actually something she could use to screen romantic partners, She’s heard some weird responses, but ultimately she’s realized that herpes doesn’t define her. “I still get anxious when I tell a new partner, wondering if I know him well enough to confide that I have herpes, nervous he'll run in the other direction, certain this is the deal breaker. But that hasn't happened. And I've realized that if someone does run away, he's not the kind of man I want to have sex with anyway. He doesn't deserve me.”
It’s definitely possible to have a successful love life and have herpes. Having sex and falling in love while having herpes is something that many people do all the time. If you factor in the 3.7 billion people living with HSV1, literally half of the people in the whole world have herpes, and nothing is stopping them.
It goes without saying that you should avoid sex while having an outbreak. When you feel a outbreak coming on, it’s a really good idea to stay away from vaginal and anal sex. Giving oral sex is fine if you have genital herpes, but don’t receive it if you’re not trying to pass the infection on to your partner.
You can have sex between outbreaks. However, it’s important that you’re upfront with your partner about it and make sure they understand the risk of getting herpes. Claire ended up getting HSV 1 on her vagina because her sexual partner hadn’t owned up to his herpes, and that’s not something that should happen.
Your partner can be infected even when they don’t have symptoms. It’s totally possible to be shedding the virus while looking complete asymptomatic. In order to prevent the virus transferring over to someone else, use condoms for every sexual interaction, and get acquainted with dental dams. While condoms don’t guarantee an HSV free life, they do provide some protection to lower the risk of passing the virus on.
Use your imagination. There are a ton of ways to express yourselves sexually without the use of your mouth or your genitalia on someone else’s mouth or genitalia. Exploring other ways to have sex could end up being a lot of fun for your relationship and lower the risk of contracting herpes.
There are drugs you can take. While the drugs that treat HSV aren’t magic cures, they do help release the amount of virus that you’re shedding. Taking a drug to lower your risk of infecting someone can actually keep your partner from being infected when you pair that with condoms. It’ll also significantly reduce the outbreaks you have.
Herpes isn’t a death sentence. While dealing with herpes can be annoying and even painful, it’s not something that’s going to kill you. It’s something you need to be upfront about, but it’s not a virus that’s going to ruin your life and make you unworthy of love. Even if things get complicated sometimes, love is still out there for you.
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