Dear Curious,
To spit or to swallow, that is the question. How you choose to deal with a partner’s ejaculate is really up to you and what feels comfortable. That being said, not only is it okay to use a condom during oral sex, it's encouraged as using a barrier method of contraception during sexual activity can help protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). There often are mixed thoughts about the feel of condoms — it may feel great to some, while others report they can't feel as much. To be sure you and your partner(s) are having a mutually pleasurable and comfortable experience, it might be good to talk with your partner(s) about each other’s sexual preferences and boundaries.
Sexual experiences are best when all partners are enjoying themselves. If you’re grossed out by the idea of tasting, spitting, or swallowing ejaculate, or by oral sex in general, it’s likely that you don’t find the experience particularly pleasurable. Condoms, when used properly, are a reliable option for keeping your partner's semen out of your mouth. They also offer protection against the passing of sexually transmitted infections, such as gonorrhea and syphilis, among others. Just as you're talking about your likes and dislikes regarding sex, you could talk about getting tested for STIs, too.
Keep in mind, Curious, not all condoms are the same — there are options in different materials,
flavors, and colors. If you’re open to performing oral sex, but want to avoid the mess, it might be an opportunity to for you and your partner(s) to explore the different condom options on the market. You might even incorporate it into your foreplay so it’s more exciting for everyone involved. During this process it’s helpful for you to think about what flavors and textures you prefer as well.
It’s also worth noting that giving oral sex and receiving your partner's ejaculate don't have to come as a package deal. For example, a partner can pull out prior to climax, or they can notify their partner when they’re about to come so that they can stand clear. You can also check out the Go Ask Alice! Sexual & Reproductive Health archives for more on how to handle this situation.
Talking about feelings, options, and what one will and won't do sexually before you engage in sexual activity can help reduce worries about what you might be asked to do in the heat of the moment. Doing this will hopefully result in pleasure for everyone involved. The good news is that if it doesn't feel right to you now, or in the future, know that you don't have to do it.
Alice!
Dear Reader,
There are numerous contraceptive methods out there, so props for investigating your options! Vaginal contraceptive film (VCF) is a soluble film — a super thin, wafer-like substance filled with spermicide (chemicals that kill sperm), usually nonoxynol-9 — that's inserted into the vagina before sex, which then "melts," delivering spermicide into the vagina. Nonoxynol-9 works by separating the head from the midpiece of the sperm, which makes it impossible for it to swim up the cervix and join with an egg. Available over-the-counter at most drug stores, nonoxynol-9 spermicide is also available in jelly, cream, foam, suppository, tablet forms, and is coated on some lubed condoms; however, these condoms have been found to offer no more protection against pregnancy than those without spermicidal lube.
VCF, when used alone, is 72 percent effective against pregnancy with typical use, which is significantly less effective than a condom. Condoms, when used consistently and correctly, offer a 98 percent protection rate and an 85 percent protection rate with typical use. VCF seems to be most effective when used as a backup with another form of birth control. As far as sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are concerned, as a barrier method, condoms also protect against STIs. VCF does not protect against them. In fact, spermicide may increase the risk of infection by damaging the tissues in the vagina and causing open wounds in the vaginal walls, allowing for STI transmission.
If you opt to use VCF, it might be helpful to be aware of some usage tips to help reach its maximum contraceptive effectiveness: •Using dry, clean fingers, insert one VCF sheet into your vagina, making sure it's placed on or near your cervix, at the deepest point of the vaginal canal. •Wait 10 to 30 minutes after insertion to allow the VCF to dissolve in the vagina before having sex. •Use a new VCF for each sex session as a single application is good for up to only one hour after initial insertion. •After sex, it isn't necessary to clean out the vagina, as the film will naturally dissolve on its own after about six hours.
If you decide to try VCF, there are a few signs to keep an eye out for that could warrant a call to a medical provider, as spermicide is known to cause irritation at times. Changes in smell or color of vaginal discharge, a rash in or around the vagina, the frequent need to urinate, unexplained fever or pain, or pain during sex are all symptoms to indicate if a user is having a reaction.
Finding a form of birth control that you're comfortable with may take some trial and error. To learn more about your options, check out the Contraception category in the Go Ask Alice! Sexual and Reproductive Health archives. Trying various kinds of condoms (e.g., non-latex, lambskin, lubricated, ribbed, etc.) may yield a certain favorite. Other options include both non-hormonal (e.g., such as the contraceptive sponge, a diaphragm, or a copper intrauterine device, among others) and hormonal (e.g., the pill, hormonal intrauterine devices, the contraceptive injection, the ring, the patch) choices. After some discussion, and possibly sampling your options, you might then have the information to help figure out which method may best meet your own needs and the needs of your partner.
The clitoris is a fascinating part of the female anatomy. Not only because it's simply awesome, but because the only purpose of the clitoris is to provide pleasure. That’s it. Although there are other parts on the human body from which pleasure is derived, they serve other purposes. For example, in addition to giving pleasure, the penis is also part of the reproductive system. And the same can be said about the vagina — it gives us pleasure when stimulated, but also serves a purpose in female reproduction. But the clitoris doesn’t — it’s a renegade in that way. It’s strictly there to make us feel good and that’s that.
It’s also remained a mystery far longer than any other part of the body. In fact, it wasn’t until 2009 that a sonography was able to see just what the clitoris is up to during intercourse. Before that, there were assumptions and guesses, but never any cold, hard evidence. Because of this, the clitoral orgasm probably hasn’t been totally figured out either.
But from what science has been able to discover, when it comes to clitoral orgasms, they’re just as fascinating as the clitoris itself. Here are seven things science has to say about them.
1. The Clitoral Orgasm Is The Most Common Of All Orgasms Although clitoral orgasms aren’t always a guarantee, of all the different types of orgasms people with vaginas experience, they’re the most common. But first thing's first: you need to find it, if you haven't already.
"It is not uncommon for a woman to have trouble visually locating her clitoris, as it is not a body part that most of us learn about from a young age," Dr. Jess O’Reilly, PhD., host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, tells Bustle. "We may discover its pleasure capacity by accident, but few girls are actually taught about its name, location, and function as part of their regular growing up routine."
When it is located, it's important to note that for a clitoral orgasm to be achieved 70 to 80% of people with vaginas need direct clitoral stimulation, either with a toy, fingers, tongue, or the right position that hits the sweet spot.
2. The Distance Between The Clitoris And The Vaginal Opening Plays A Big Role
When it comes to the ability to experience a clitoral orgasm during intercourse, the distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening needs to be on the smaller side.
“Research has found that women who have a clitoris that sits closer to their vaginal opening have a greater chance of achieving orgasm than women who have a larger distance between these two body parts,” Holistic Sexologist and Sexuality Educator, Lisa Hochberger, tells Bustle. “The ‘rule of thumb’ states that women with an ideal distance of about one inch (or a thumb’s distance) between their vaginal opening and their clitoris will have a better chance of achieving this form of orgasm.”
3. Clitoral Orgasms Can Last Up To 30 Seconds While it's not very likely that many of us have timed how long our orgasms last because, well, our mind is elsewhere, according to research, clitoral orgasms can last from 10 to 30 seconds. Based on these figures the average orgasm is 20 seconds — not too shabby at all. Although, let’s be honest, even 30 seconds isn’t always long enough. Forever might be a good compromise.
4. Clitoral Orgasms Vary In Their Number Of Contractions
If you’ve ever experienced an orgasm, then you’ve experienced the involuntary contractions of your uterus and vagina clenching and releasing. Those contractions are proof of an orgasm.
"Orgasm is well-defined by a strongly stereotyped series of contractions that look the same in men and women," sex researcher Nicole Prause, PhD, founder of sexual biotechnology company Liberos, tells Bustle. "Without the contractions, I would not call it an orgasm."
Customers had different ways to describe this unprecedented satisfaction, declaring it “toe-curling” and the “most intense orgasm” of their lives. According to Lelo, this elevated orgasmic experience is caused by a slow build-up and a prolonged climax that results from the toy’s no-contact stimulation. (If you're reading "no-contact" and thinking 'huh?' it just means that the toy stimulates the clitoris by encircling it and using gentle throbbing and sucking sensations versus applying vibration directly to the clitoris itself, like many other vibrators.)
The only complaint some reviewers shared about this unexpected pleasure? It happened too fast. (The worst, right? Wink.) Luckily, there are eight pulsation modes offering different levels of intensity so you can find the right combination that takes you right to the edge. Plus, because it's waterproof, you can bring bathtub and shower play into the mix. (Note: Like with any toy, Lelo suggests incorporating lube for the best experience. Stay covered with this guide to everything you need to know about lube.)
While I could spend all day listing all the reviews that convinced me this toy is well worth the purchase, here are a few of my favorites. “I bought this back in March and I’ve been obsessed with it!” one shopper wrote. “Well, obsessed to the point where I recommend it to all my gal friends. Two of them have made the purchase and we literally can’t stop talking about it.”
Another raved: “I’ve had my Lelo Sona for about a year now, and I’ve been very, very careful to be sure to test it daily... sometimes more than once. While it has not made me squirt, this thing is giving me orgasms that just don't quit! They go on indefinitely and they’re so intense that I start sobbing from sheer relief of climax. I am not even suggesting you buy one...I’m demanding it.”
As if anyone needed another reason to splurge on the Sona, it’s also $30 off right now as part of Lelo’s #StayatHome campaign. Not to mention, it brings me one step closer to my Betty White aspirations: An 82-year-old widow called it the newest love of her life.
Blue balls is the slang term for epididymal hypertension. It refers to aching or painful testicles, which some people may experience after sexual arousal that does not result in orgasm.
This symptom occurs because blood builds up in the testicles during arousal, causing them to ache if the person remains aroused for too long. Although blue balls may be uncomfortable, it does not usually last long.
In this article, learn more about what blue balls or epididymal hypertension is and how to relieve any discomfort.
Blue balls can happen when a male remains aroused without orgasm, causing a temporary buildup of blood in the testicles.
The medical term for this is epididymal hypertension.
People with blue balls may experience the following signs and symptoms in their testicles: •heaviness •aching •discomfort or mild pain •a faint blue tint
Sexual arousal causes the arteries that carry blood to the male genitals to expand, increasing blood flow to this area. The veins that usually take blood away from the genitals restrict, trapping blood there and causing an erection.
After ejaculation or if a person ceases to feel aroused, the blood vessels return to their usual size together with the swollen penis and testicles.
People can relieve the sensation of blue balls by ejaculating or distracting themselves with an activity that is not arousing until the symptoms pass. Blue balls is not dangerous. Any discomfort will subside once the erection has passed and the blood flow to the genitals returns to normal.
A person does not need a partner to relieve blue balls through sex. People can get rid of the symptoms by ejaculating through masturbation or by doing a nonarousing activity to distract them.
The testicles do not actually turn blue, but they may take on a faint bluish hue, which is due to the increased volume of blood.
Blue balls does not just affect people with male genitals. Females can experience vasocongestion, which people also refer to as “blue vulva” or pelvic congestion.
“Blue vulva” can happen when blood flow to the female genitals increases with sexual arousal. It may cause feelings of aching or heaviness around the clitoris and vulva. This feeling will pass when blood flow returns to normal, either after orgasm or when the arousal subsides.
Treatment
Blue balls is a temporary aching sensation in the testicles that will pass once the extra blood flows away from the testicles and the blood pressure returns to normal. It does not usually last for long.
People can treat blue balls by ejaculating through either masturbation or sex with a consenting partner.
If a person cannot masturbate, they can use other techniques to relieve the blood pressure and end the arousal. Ways to reduce arousal include: •focusing on work or problem-solving as a distraction •taking a cold shower to help restrict blood flow to the genitals •lying down to increase blood flow away from the testicles •exercising to encourage normal blood flow in the body •lifting something heavy to exert pressure on other areas of the body •applying a warm compress to the testicles to ease the pain
People may find that taking over-the-counter (OTC) pain relievers, such as ibuprofen, can help treat more intense pain.
Anyone who experiences severe or long-lasting pain in the testicles or has any symptoms of the conditions below should seek medical attention.
Gabapentin is an anticonvulsant medication that doctors often prescribe to prevent seizures in people with epilepsy. It is not a cure for epilepsy, but it can help people manage the condition. Gabapentin is generally safe, but it can cause side effects, some of which may require medical attention.
In this article, we look at the potential side effects of gabapentin and whether or not they differ between men and women. We also cover when to see a doctor.
What is gabapentin? Gabapentin is an anticonvulsant medication that doctors prescribe as an epilepsy treatment to prevent partial seizures.
Gabapentin cannot cure epilepsy, but it helps the brain prevent seizures. This drug can also act as a pain reliever for various conditions that affect the nervous system, such as postherpetic neuralgia, a pain that occurs due to shingles.
However, doctors do not prescribe gabapentin to treat arthritis pain or acute pain that results from minor injuries.
Gabapentin is only available with a doctor’s prescription, and it comes in the following forms: •capsule •tablet •solution •suspension
Common side effects
Gabapentin is a fairly safe medication when people take it according to a doctor’s instructions. However, some people may experience side effects.
Common side effects that generally do not require medical attention include: ◦blurred vision ◦cold or flu-like symptoms ◦delusions ◦dementia ◦hoarseness ◦lack or loss of strength ◦pain in the lower back or side ◦swelling of the hands, feet, or lower legs ◦trembling or shaking
Common side effects that do require medical attention include: ◦back-and-forth or rolling eye movements that are continuous and uncontrolled ◦unsteadiness
Gabapentin can cause different side effects in children that may require medical attention. These include: ◦aggressive behavior or other behavioral problems ◦anxiety ◦change in school performance ◦concentration problems ◦crying ◦depression ◦distrust ◦false sense of well-being ◦hyperactivity or increase in body movements ◦rapidly changing moods ◦reacting too quickly or overreacting ◦restlessness
Long-term effects
According to the authors of a 2010 study paper, people with preexisting kidney disease may experience potentially fatal toxicity when taking gabapentin.
Gabapentin may cause other long-term effects, including memory loss, weakened muscles, and respiratory failure.
Other side effects of gabapentin occur less frequently but may still affect some people.
Rare side effects that are unlikely to need medical attention include: ◾a sore throat ◾black stools ◾chest pain ◾chills ◾coughing ◾depression, irritability, or other mood changes ◾fever ◾memory loss ◾pain or swelling in the legs or arms ◾painful or difficult urination ◾shortness of breath ◾sores, white spots, or ulcers on the lips or in the mouth ◾swollen glands ◾unusual bleeding or bruising ◾unusual tiredness or weakness
Side effects that require medical attention include: ◾a feeling of warmth or heat ◾a runny nose ◾accidental injury ◾an earache ◾back pain ◾bloating ◾body aches or pain ◾breath that smells fruity ◾burning, dry, or itchy eyes ◾changes in vision ◾clumsiness or unsteadiness ◾congestion ◾constipation ◾coughing that produces mucus ◾decreased sexual desire or ability ◾difficulty breathing ◾difficulty swallowing ◾dry skin ◾dryness of the mouth or throat ◾ears ringing ◾excess air or gas in the stomach or intestines ◾excessive tearing of the eyes ◾eye discharge ◾feeling faint, dizzy, or lightheaded ◾flushing or redness of the skin, especially on the face and neck ◾frequent urination ◾higher sensitivity to pain and touch ◾impaired vision ◾increased appetite ◾increased thirst ◾indigestion ◾lack of coordination ◾pain, redness, rash, swelling, or bleeding in areas where the skin rubs ◾passing gas ◾problems with walking and balance ◾redness or swelling in the ear ◾redness, pain, or swelling of the eye, eyelid, or inner lining of the eyelid ◾sleep problems ◾sneezing ◾sweating ◾tender, swollen glands in the neck ◾tightness in the chest ◾tingling in the hands and feet ◾trouble processing thoughts ◾twitching ◾unexplained weight loss ◾voice changes ◾vomiting ◾weakness or loss of strength ◾weight gain
Female ejaculation is when a female’s urethra expels fluid during sex. It can happen when a female becomes sexually aroused, but there is not necessarily an association with having an orgasm.
Scientists do not fully understand female ejaculation, and there is limited research on how it works and its purpose. Female ejaculation is perfectly normal, although researchers remain divided on how many people experience it.
In this article, we look at the current thinking on the mechanisms, purpose, and frequency of female ejaculation.
Female ejaculation refers to the expulsion of fluid from a female’s urethra during orgasm or sexual arousal. The urethra is the duct that carries urine from the bladder to the outside of the body.
There are two different types of female ejaculate: •Squirting fluid. This fluid is usually colorless and odorless, and it occurs in large quantities. •Ejaculate fluid. This type more closely resembles male semen. It is typically thick and appears milky.
Analysis has shown that the fluid contains prostatic acid phosphatase (PSA). PSA is an enzyme present in male semen that helps sperm motility.
In addition, female ejaculate usually contains fructose, which is a form of sugar. Fructose is also generally present in male semen where it acts as an energy source for sperm.
Experts believe that the PSA and fructose present in the fluid come from the Skene’s glands. Other names for these glands include the paraurethral glands, Garter’s duct, and female prostate.
Skene’s glands sit on the front, inside wall of the vagina near the G-spot. Researchers believe that stimulation causes these glands to produce PSA and fructose, which then move into the urethra.
For many years, scientists thought that females who ejaculated during sex were experiencing continence problems. Research has since disproved this idea and confirmed the existence of female ejaculation.
A 2014 study found that the fluid accumulates in the bladder during arousal and leaves through the urethra during ejaculation. Seven women who reported experiencing female ejaculation during sex took part in the trial.
First, the researchers used ultrasound exams to confirm that the participants’ bladders were empty. The women then stimulated themselves until they ejaculated while the researchers continued to monitor them using ultrasounds.
The study found that all the women started with an empty bladder, which began to fill during arousal. The post-ejaculation scans revealed that the participants’ bladders were empty again.
Female ejaculation is perfectly normal, yet people do not discuss it very often. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, different estimates suggest that between 10 and 50 percent of women ejaculate during sex.
Some experts believe that all women experience ejaculation, but that many do not notice. It is possible that they are not aware of it because the fluid can flow backward into the bladder rather than leaving the body.
In an older study that involved 233 women, 14 percent of participants reported that they ejaculated with all or most orgasms, while 54 percent said that they had experienced it at least once.
When the researchers compared urine samples from before and after orgasm, they found more PSA in the latter. They concluded that all females create ejaculate but do not always expel it. Instead, the ejaculate sometimes returns to the bladder, which then passes it during urination.
What is known is that the experience of female ejaculation, including the feeling, triggers, and amount of ejaculate, varies considerably from person to person.Are there any health benefits? Health benefits of sex include relieving stress. There is no evidence that female ejaculation has any health benefits. However, research has found sex itself to offer several benefits.
During orgasm, the body releases pain-relieving hormones that can help with back and leg pain, headaches, and menstrual cramps.
Immediately after climaxing, the body releases hormones that promote restful sleep. These hormones include prolactin and oxytocin.
Other health benefits include: •relieving stress •boosting the immune system •protecting against heart disease •lowering blood pressure
Societal norms and the media both heavily influence how we view women’s orgasms, but research shows that their sexual activity preferences and experiences with orgasm vary widely.
The female orgasm is often depicted as the center of a woman’s sexual satisfaction and the ultimate goal of sex. But many women don’t experience an orgasm during sexual intercourse until their 20s or even 30s, and the number of women who say that they always or nearly always have one during sex is declining.
The social expectations surrounding women’s orgasms can be particularly distressing to women who don’t always experience them. And when depictions of sex in the media are thrown into the mix, the gap between expectation and reality widens even further.
Léa J. Séguin – from the Department of Sexology at Université du Québec à Montréal in Canada – examined how female orgasms are represented in mainstream pornography.
In 50 popular video clips included in the study, only 18.3 percent of women were shown to reach orgasm, and stimulation of the clitoris or vulva only featured in 25 percent of these.
In a recent survey, 53 percent of men and 25 percent of women in the United States said they had watched pornography in the past year.
How the female orgasm is depicted in pornography does not tally up with research findings, with Séguin writing that “mainstream pornography promotes and perpetuates many unrealistic expectations regarding women’s orgasm.”
Putting the stigma of social expectations and the fantasy world of pornography aside, what does scientific research tell us about women’s orgasms? How much of a role does the clitoris play, and, most importantly, what do women want when it comes to achieving sexual satisfaction? The female orgasm in research
A study by Prof. Osmo Kontula – from the Population Research Institute at the Family Federation of Finland in Helsinki – asked more than 8,000 women in Finland about their sexual experiences.
Most of the women under the age of 35 who participated in the study had experienced their first orgasm through masturbation. For around a quarter of these, this happened before the age of 13, and for a tenth, before the age of 10.
But the average age at first sexual intercourse was 17. Most women did not experience an orgasm at this time – in fact, only one quarter of survey participants had reached an orgasm during intercourse within the first year that they started having partnered sex.
For the remainder it took much longer, and having sex still does not guarantee orgasm for everyone.
Prof. Kontula found that in 2015, only 6 percent of women said that they always had an orgasm during penile-vaginal intercourse, 40 percent said they had an orgasm nearly always, 16 percent of women had an orgasm half the time, and 38 percent had one infrequently. A total of 14 percent of women under the age of 35 had never had an orgasm from intercourse.
Since 1999, the number of women experiencing orgasm during intercourse always or nearly always has fallen from 56 percent to 46 percent.
So, to shed light on what contributes to women’s ability to reach orgasm and what detracts from it, Prof. Kontula dug deeper.
The recipe for orgasm
According to Prof. Kontula, “The keys to achieving more frequent female orgasms were identified in this study as being in the mind and in the relationship.”
“These factors and capacities,” he expains, “included how important orgasms were considered personally; how high was sexual desire; how high was sexual self-esteem; and how open was sexual communication with the partner.”
Interestingly, while over 50 percent of women in relationships said that they usually experience orgasm during sexual intercourse, this number stood at 40 percent for single women.
Prof. Kontula goes on to highlight the importance of diversity among women’s sexual experiences and preferences. “The findings of this study,” he writes, “indicate that women differ greatly from one another in terms of their tendency and capacity to experience orgasms.”
The most frequently cited reasons that prevented the participants from achieving orgasm were “fatigue and stress” and “difficulty concentrating.” Prof. Kontula also postulates that women increasingly rationalize sex, as a result of social expectations and media depictions.
The power of the mind
How thoughts affect sexual pleasure was recently investigated in a survey of 926 women. The study revealed that when women had thoughts of “sexual failure” or a “lack of erotic thoughts” during sex, it had a negative effect on their orgasms.
On the flip side, erotic thoughts are known to contribute significantly to sexual arousal.
Nan J. Wise, Ph.D. – from the Department of Psychology at Rutgers University in Newark, NJ – investigated which areas of the brain respond to erotic thoughts.
Using functional MRI, she found that imagining stimulation of the clitoris and nipple versus self-stimulation of these areas affected different areas of the brain.
Furthermore, when the participants imagined stimulation with a dildo, areas of the brain lit up that were “previously shown to be active in the process of genital stimulation leading up to and including orgasm,” Dr. Wise explains.
The mind is clearly a strong contributor to sexual arousal – but it isn’t the only one.
Clitoral stimulation and orgasm
The debate about the role of the clitoris in women’s orgasms is ongoing. Last week, for example, we discussed the different theories in our article “The ins and outs of the vagina.” Whether orgasm can be achieved by stimulation of the vagina without any involvement of the clitoris is at the center of the scientific debate.
What is clear is that, biological pathways and anatomical details aside, women know how the clitoris fits into their personal experience of orgasm.
A 2017 study paper by Prof. Debby Herbenick – from the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University in Bloomington – and colleagues found that 36.6 percent of women needed clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm during intercourse.
Also, 36 percent of the women said that they didn’t need clitoral stimulation but that it enhanced their experience, and 18.4 percent of women said that vaginal penetration was sufficient.
Prof. Herbenick went one step further in her study and asked women about the type of clitoral stimulation that they preferred, irrespective of whether it was necessary for orgasm or not.
Two thirds of women preferred direct clitoral stimulation, and the most popular motions were up and down, circular shape, and side to side. Around 1 in 10 women preferred firm pressure, while most preferred light to medium touch on their vulva.
There is clearly no one-size-fits-all answer to the female orgasm. How diverse women’s sexual preferences are is further highlighted in a separate study by Prof. Herbenick.
Forty years ago, most Americans viewed vibrators as only a refuge for lonely or frustrated women. How things have changed. According to recent studies by researchers at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute: •More than half of adult American women (53 percent) now own at least one vibrator. This figure comes from a nationally representative survey of 2,056 American women. Coupled women are as likely to own vibes as singles. And compared with non-users, women who use vibrators regularly enjoy several sexual benefits: more libido, greater arousal, more self-lubrication, greater likelihood of orgasm, and more erotic satisfaction. And as vibrator use increases in frequency, so do all these elements of sexual pleasure. •Almost half of adult men (45 percent) have included vibrators in partner sex at least once, with 14 percent using them during the previous year, and 10 percent in the last month. This comes from a similar survey of 1,047 adult American men. Compared with non-users, men who incorporate vibrator play into lovemaking report more libido, better erections, better orgasms, and more sexual satisfaction. Among men who play with vibrators during partner sex, 82 percent use them to pleasure the woman’s clitoris during vaginal intercourse.
Why Vibrators Boost Men’s Sexual Satisfaction
A generation ago, many men felt threatened by vibrators. I don’t want to be replaced by a machine. But in partner lovemaking, vibrators don’t replace men any more than power tools replace carpenters. On the contrary, as the studies just mentioned demonstrate, vibes add new dimensions of pleasure and satisfaction to partner lovemaking. Vibrators don’t hug, kiss, converse, tell jokes, take women out, or whisper, “I love you.” They do just one thing, deliver more intense sensation than fingers or tongues can provide.
Note the finding that men who incorporate vibrators into lovemaking enjoy firmer, more reliable erections. Why? Several reasons: •Vibrators increase women’s arousal, and arousal is contagious. Men who see the toys arousing their lovers get more turned on themselves. •Having vibrators in bed as erotic back-ups reduces the stress many men feel about maintaining firm erections and lasting as long as long as they'd like. Stress is an erection-killer. Stress/anxiety/worry releases the hormone, cortisol, which constricts the arteries in the central body, including the ones that carry blood into the penis. The more stress, the less blood in the penis, and the more likely men are to suffer erection problems. But when couples use vibrators during partner sex, men relax and those same arteries open up. More blood enters the penis, and erections get firmer.
Simple Secrets of Pleasuring Women with Vibrators
Men interested in incorporating vibrators into partner sex can use them in several ways: •Whole-body massage. Vibrators have been available since the early 20th century. Around World War I, major catalogues and department stores carried them, notably Sears, but they were euphemistically called “massagers.” Accompanying graphics invariably showed women applying them to their sore necks and shoulders. That old catalogue copy clearly dealt in euphemisms. Many women knew how the devices were really intended to be used. But the dissembling contained a germ of truth. Vibrators can be used on the entire skin surface, and they do, indeed, provide the benefits of massage—relaxation and relief for sore muscles. That’s one way men can use them on women, as whole-body massagers. When you get into bed, ask her to lie on her belly and coach you where and how she’d like the vibrator used—on her neck, shoulders, back, and anywhere else she enjoys. •Genital play. When used sexually, women usually press vibrators into the area between their legs: the clitoris, vulva, vaginal lips, and/or anus. Many women also insert phallic-shaped vibes into their vaginas and possibly anuses. Unless a woman specifically requests that you press a vibrator into her vulva, clitoris, vagina, or anus, don’t assume she welcomes this. The vibrations may feel too intense, may cause discomfort, and possibly even feel painful. Instead, tell her you’re going to hold the device near her genitals and invite her to dance what’s between her legs against it. That way she controls the sensations she experiences—and you learn what she enjoys without causing any discomfort. •Ask her for coaching. Vibrators are available in more than a dozen varieties, from thumb-size battery-powered bullets that produce modest vibration to plug-in, arm-size Hitachi Magic Wands that provide much more intense sensations, to variable-speed vibes that allow users to select intensity. Depending on the vibrator, women may feel differently about where, how, and for how long to apply the device. Men should ask repeatedly, “Is this OK? Tell me how you like it used on you.” •How vibes complement intercourse. Note that more than three-quarters of couples who take vibes to be with them use them during intercourse. The goal here is often to bring the woman to orgasm while the two people are locked in genital embrace. In movies and on TV, the women almost always come during intercourse. Actors typically pant and writhe and then both climax and collapse into each other's arms. But in real life, a great deal of research (elucidated in The Case of the Female Orgasm by Elizabeth Lloyd) shows that only about 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. Adding a vibrator to partner sex can raise that proportion substantially. In the man-on-top (missionary) position, place the vibrator (usually a bullet or other slim phallic vibe) at the junction of your two pelvises. In the woman-on-top position, the man or woman can position the vibrator on or near the woman’s clitoris. And in the rear entry (doggies) position, the man or woman can do the same. In addition, some couples want simultaneous orgasms—ordinarily, they’re rare, but much more likely with the help of a vibrator.
As couples incorporate vibrator play into intercourse, initially the woman should handle the device, and show the man how she likes to use it on herself. Men should pay special attention to how women want vibes used on them. Both the penis and clitoris contain around the same number of touch-sensitive nerve receptors, but in the clitoris, they’re packed into much less tissue, which makes the clitoris more sensitive to touch than the penis. Many women’s clitorises are too sensitive for direct touch with a vibrator (and sometimes with fingers or mouth). Discuss this. If the woman has a super-sensitive clitoris, use the vibrator around it, not directly on it.
For lovers new to using vibes during intercourse, the best position is woman-on-top. The woman can easily use the vibe on herself and show the man how she likes it touching her. And the man can easily hold the vibe near her pelvis and invite her to rock into it.
In addition to enhancing lovemaking, the discussion involved in partner vibrator play also increases couple intimacy. As lovers share how they’d like to play with vibes, they get to know each other more deeply. Intimacy is a key element of sexual satisfaction. Vibrators not only supply intense sensation. They also bring lovers emotionally closer.
But enough about the research and my advice. Now it’s your turn. Have you used vibrators during partner sex? What’s been your experience? Have I missed anything? Please comment.
Hiya, and happy Healthy Tuesday. I'm no longer soliciting questions for my book, What's Up Down There? Questions You'd Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, but your questions keep rolling in, so I thought I'd answer a few of them here. Here you go!
I really adore my lover, but I'm just never in the mood anymore. I don't want to lose him. Is there anything I can do to turn my juices on?
I hear you, sister. This is a tough one. Sex drive in women is a complex beast. While men may need little more than a pretty smile to get them in the mood, most women require more. Factors that can contribute to decreased libido include (among others):
* Feeling tired or stressed * Side effects from medications such as birth control pills/patch/ring or anti-depressants * Feeling unsafe or unloved in your relationship * Hormonal imbalance * History of sexual abuse or trauma * Chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes or high blood pressureUnlike men, who may pop a Viagra or put on a porn video to get in the mood, a woman's libido is fussy. A few questions I'd like to know about you:
Do you masturbate? Does that still feel sexy to you?
Are you able to orgasm, either by yourself or with a partner?
Are you on birth control pills or other medications?
Have you hit menopause?
Do you feel safe and happy in your relationship?
How do you feel about your body image?
Take this quiz to help you determine what might be affecting your desire. If masturbation is still fun and you're able to orgasm, chances are that it's more psychological than physical. If you're on the Pill or menopausal, it could be hormonal. If you're feeling unsafe or unloved in your relationship, or if you're constantly dissing your body, these factors can take a toll and are worth discussing with a therapist. If decreased sexual arousal distresses you, talk to your doctor, who can investigate whether there's a medical reason for your low libido. Ask your doctor whether switching the brand of your birth control pill or trying another form of contraception might help. If you are menopausal, have had your ovaries removed, undergone chemotherapy, or are breastfeeding, talk to your doctor about whether systemic or local hormones might help you.
If your doctor gives you the clean bill of health, here are a few tips you might try to give your libido a boost.
* Schedule intimate dates. If you're waiting for until 11pm to think about hooking up, your body might have other ideas. Plan morning dates or early evening dates to give your body the chance to feel stimulated. * Try Laura Corn's 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex (or Grrreat Romance, if you're not as daring). This book includes tear-out pages of fun seductions For Him or For Her. Some are pretty risqué, but all are sexy. Just the simple act of planning a seduction can be a turn on. * Experiment with erotic film, books, or magazines. Keep an open mind and check out whether anything turns you on. * Have a hey day at a sex toy store. You never know what might get you in the mood. * Try erotic role-playing. Maybe you've always wanted to hook up with a cop. Perhaps your boyfriend would play along. * Talk to your doctor about a trial of testosterone cream. It's not for everyone, but some of my patients swear by it. * Try sexual arousal aids, such as Zestra, a sexy botanical oil that may be just the trick for you.
Keep in mind that every woman is unique, so no one thing works for every individual. But the more you set the intention to spice up your sex life, the more likely you are to succeed. Do you want your sex drive to improve? Say so. Talk to your girlfriends. Write about it in your journal. Commit to it. Then, with an open mind, set forth. You just might be surprised.
What about you? What works for you? The collective wisdom of all of us is much more powerful than my one opinion. Let's talk about sex! Don't be shy...
Dr. Lissa Rankin is an OB/GYN physician, an author, a nationally-represented professional artist, and the founder of Owning Pink, an online community committed to building authentic community and empowering women to get- and keep- their "mojo". Owning Pink is all about owning all the facets of what makes you whole- your health, your sexuality, your spirituality, your creativity, your career, your relationships, the planet, and YOU. Dr. Rankin is currently redefining women’s health at the Owning Pink Center, her practice in Mill Valley, California. She is the author of the forthcoming What's Up Down There? Questions You'd Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend (St. Martin's Press, September 2010).
As a result of the second and third waves of the feminist movement, many women have felt freer to examine and express their sexuality. Before this time, it was simply assumed that heterosexuality centered on the experience of the male partner. If you asked a heterosexual couple how many times per week they had sex, they counted by times of intercourse and male orgasm. This definition was used as recently as the studies of Masters and Johnson, who, in their own way, helped disabuse the public and professionals of this antiquated notion and even discovered that women were capable of multiple orgasms, given the right stimulation. [1] The definition of sex had to change.
The role of the clitoris and its anatomy were virtually ignored and often unknown until the second wave of the women’s movement, which coincided with the sexual revolution in the United States. Feminist clinicians and researchers took up the issue of women and sexual pleasure. Wasn’t that sex also?
It was soon discovered that women had a sexual organ that was homologous to the male penis and it was named the clitoris. Various forms of stimulation would bring a woman to orgasm. To begin with, Betty Dodson[2] and others began to run what they called pre-orgasmic groups to teach women how to self-stimulate to orgasm. Initially this involved the use of vibrators and was conducted in Pre-Orgasmic groups. The term pre-orgasmic replaced the previously common one "frigidity." Once the woman learned her own body, she could teach the ins and outs to her partner for a more satisfying sex life.[3]
This kind of study became an area of research and treatment in psychotherapy. Research on female sexuality has continued and so have clinical observations. I offer here my clinical observations, which are being supported by the research of many young scientists, as Western culture passes once again through a sexual revolution, perhaps smaller than the earlier one, but just as significant. It concerns orientation and fluidity. Many girls and women, the majority in fact, grow up being attracted only to males. They are cisgender and heterosexual by definition. Then somewhere around the age when reproduction is no longer an option, many of these women find themselves surprisingly attracted to other women. Apparently women’s sexuality is also fluid in a way that men’s does not seem to be even when they are younger. Many women have gone on to form lifelong romantic relations with other women, after having considered themselves strictly heterosexual.[4]
It is too soon to know if this phenomenon is hormonal, psychological or cultural. I would add to this list that it may have an evolutionary aspect, in that women did not need men after their reproductive years. However, this idea does not explain the greater fluidity found by researchers in earlier years and I myself have seen it in my practice with women from 20 to 80 or more. An alternative hypothesis is that women are a bit more advanced on the evolutionary scale than are men as a group. These are still only hypotheses.
There is still much to be learned about women’s sexuality in a society that has suppressed it all these years. We are no longer in the Victorian times of Freud. Cultural context always affects individual psychology in different ways.
In my next post, I will discuss what we have learned about the sexuality of men in these years since the 1960’s, when feminist revolution made this research possible.
by Jason Hannay
A recent Gallup Poll reported that half of Americans regularly take a vitamin or nutritional supplement. It appears that adults in the U.S are becoming steadily more health-conscious and taking steps to improve their own health.
There is one healthy activity, however, that is often considered a taboo topic in our culture and even a source of shame for many individuals. That activity is masturbation. Information provided by Planned Parenthood tells us that “Negative feelings about masturbation can threaten our health and well-being. Only you can decide what is healthy and right for you. But if you feel ashamed or guilty about masturbating, talking with a trusted friend, sexuality educator, counselor, and/or clergy member may help.”
The organization's website also lists the varied health benefits of masturbation, including creating a sense of well-being; enhancing sex with partners both physically and emotionally; increasing the ability to have orgasms; improving relationship and sexual satisfaction; improving sleep; increasing self-esteem; improving body image; reducing stress; releasing sexual tension; relieving menstrual cramps; strengthening muscle tone in the pelvic and anal areas; and reducing women’s chances of involuntary urine leakage and uterine prolapse. Another recent study suggests that men could reduce their risk of developing prostate cancer through regular masturbation, and another notes that for women, masturbating can flush old bacteria from the cervix, decreasing the chances of developing a urinary tract infection. Masturbation is also a cornerstone of modern sex therapy. Those who seek professional counseling for sexual difficulties, including inability to orgasm, are typically instructed to masturbate to learn about their bodies and then encouraged to communicate what they discover to their partners. Many outstanding self-help books, such as Becoming Orgasmic and The Elusive Orgasm, suggest masturbation as a core strategy, and sex educators including Betty Dodson and Corey Silverberg, tout the benefits of the practice and provide how-to guides.
There is a biochemical basis for the positive effects of masturbation. It "releases feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin that lift your spirits, boost your satisfaction, and activate the reward circuits in your brain," reports Gloria Brame, Ph.D. "An orgasm is the biggest non-drug blast of dopamine available.” In short, a masturbation-induced orgasm creates feelings of euphoria: It’s a safe, free, and natural high.
Considering all the benefits, why aren’t more people—especially women—masturbating regularly? Societal taboos and the resultant shame they cause are partly to blame. For women, there may also be another reason: Stated simply, female masturbation presents more of a logistical challenge than does male masturbation, and reaching arousal takes longer for women than for men. Finding sufficient private time to reach arousal and/or orgasm may be difficult for women who share a bed with a partner or who have children.
Masturbation certainly requires more time and effort than taking a multivitamin. Yet the research on vitamin and supplement benefits is riddled with conflicting results, whereas the findings on masturbation are unequivocal. What Woody Allen called "sex with someone you love" and what Betty Dodson called "selfloving" is beneficial for one’s physical, emotional, and relational health.
In my Human Sexuality class at the University of Florida, students can choose to complete a Psychology Today-style blog for a class project. I then choose the top five submissions, and the students vote on their favorite, with the winner given the option of having me edit their post and publish it here. Above is the edited version of the winning post from my Fall 2013 class, submitted by junior Jason Hannay.
You may want to make love all night long, but your body most likely doesn't, studies show.
Studies at two German universities found that the hormone prolactin may dampen sexual arousal after orgasm, perhaps signaling to the body that it's had enough. Researchers, led by Michael Exton, Ph.D., a biological psychologist at the University of Essen's Institute of Medical Psychology, asked 10 women to masturbate until achieving orgasm, then examined them afterward. He discovered a surge in the hormones adrenaline, nonadrenaline and prolactin that occurred during arousal and orgasm--but prolactin's rise was the most dramatic and prolonged.
Prolactin has been linked to functions in both men and women, including sperm and breast milk production. Exton believes it regulates dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a role in movement control, pleasure and pain, and likens it to a built-in switch for turning on and off sexual desire. "The prolactin surge may possibly signal the brain and reproductive organs that 'once is enough,'" he says.
Women are not alone in releasing prolactin after orgasm--Exton's previous research on men and animals has uncovered a similar dynamic. He believes that because women seem more capable of having multiple orgasms than men, prolactin response to sexual arousal may vary individually, a theory that begs further research.
For many years, the chronic pain-relieving qualities of sexual activity have been the subject of locker room lore and pubescent masturbation rationalizations. Finally, serious scientific study of the subject began over a quarter-century ago: A 1985 study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that vaginal stimulation increased pain thresholds of women. Stimulation resulting in orgasm produced the highest increases in pain threshold. Further analysis a decade later concluded that sexual arousal and orgasm have their pain-reducing effects through increasing levels of endorphins and corticosteroids, easing the burden of menstrual cramps, headaches, among other painful conditions:
• A study of 83 women published in a 2001 edition of the journal Headache found that orgasm resulted in some degree of relief in over fifty percent of the subjects. While not as effective as medication, the analgesic effect of orgasm, to whatever degree, does have a more rapid onset.
• In the year 2000, it was reported that almost ten percent of 1,900 women who reported masturbating in the prior three months stated that one of the motivations for masturbation was the relief of menstrual cramps. • An article in Paraplegia published in 1991 found that in men with spinal cord injuries rectal electrostimulaition with subsequent ejaculation resulted in spasticity relief in 42 percent of subjects, which lasted about nine hours. Comparable results have been noted in the female population.
• Stress often predisposes or worsens pain. Sexual activity and orgasm have been shown to reduce stress. A 2002 article in Sexual and Relationship Therapy found that the surge in oxytocin that accompanies orgasm appears to reduce stress and alter the response to stress. Oxytocin causes feelings of warmth and relaxation, according to interviewed subjects. Indeed, a study of over 2,500 women in the United States found that 39 percent of those who masturbated did so as an aid to relaxation.
The biochemical fallout from sexual activity and orgasm can have a positive impact on sufferers of chronic pain. Chronic pain does not have to be an excuse to not make love. As the research cited above demonstrates, it can be a prescription for the relief of pain. Sexual activity can bring with it the expected feelings of well-being, and also the unexpected relief from chronic pain.
Talk to your doctor to ensure that you are physically healthy to engage in sexual activity with the one you love.
Talk to the one you love, no matter what that doctor might answer. Loving words also have a lot to offer those with chronic pain and illness.
Dear People-With-Clits,
I’ve written before, but addressed you differently. In my first letter, I wrote “young sexually active heterosexual women.” In my second letter, I addressed “young sexually active women” to be more inclusive. Well, I’m back and changing my terminology again. Let me explain.
I have a new book, Becoming Cliterate, which is in stores as of yesterday. I’m passionately committed to the goal of this book, which is closing the gender-based orgasm gap (the research finding that women are having fewer orgasms than men) and empowering people-with-clits (who I call women in the book) to orgasm. I’m thrilled that the book has gotten beautiful endorsements (from notables such as Ian Kerner, Paul Joannides, and Eve Ensler) and praise in media outlets I respect greatly, such as the New York Times and Bustle. I’ve also gotten very positive reviews in the respected feminist magazines Bust and Feministing. Yet, both point out I shouldn’t have equated having a clitoris with being a woman. They’re right—gender isn’t dichotomous. Making an error isn’t always pain-free, yet one of the things I cherish about being human is the ability to learn from each other. So, in all future letters, I’m going to be as clear as possible about who I am addressing. Sometimes it will be “people-with-vaginas,” such as when I’m talking about the ins-and-outs (pun intended) of sex. Sometimes it’ll be “women” (as in the third to last paragraph below) when I’m referencing studies that use this language or talking about societal gender roles. Feel free to call me out if I get it wrong but please be nice. It’s hard for anyone to grow when hiding in a hole of shame.
Speaking of holes, a major premise of Becoming Cliterate is that our culture pays too much attention to the place that babies come out and penises go in (our vagina)—and not enough to the rest of our vulva. As I point in Becoming Cliterate’s chapter on language, by calling everything “down there” a vagina, we relegate our most important sexual organ, the clitoris, to nameless invisibility. Likewise, in our culture, we equate sex with penile-vaginal intercourse—and by doing so, don’t count the way that the vast majority of people-with-clits reach orgasm. In Becoming Cliterate, I tell readers that while language reflects culture, language also shapes culture—and I suggest we alter the way we talk about sex. I also say we need to change the way we have sex. Here’s the foundation of that change: Understanding that only about 5% to 15% of people with vaginas orgasm just by having something thrust in and out of it. According to a landmark study, when clit-owners pleasure themselves: •Only 1.5% do so solely by putting something inside their vaginas. •Instead, the vast majority (86.5%) do so by stimulating their vulva and clit. •Still another 12% sometime or always simultaneously touch their clit and vulva and insert something into their vagina.
Want more evidence? Check out the awesome OMGYes, where you’ll see information on how people-with-clits masturbate. You’ll also likely learn a trick or two for yourself.
And, here’s the result of all this clit-focused self-pleasure: Orgasms! When people-with-clits masturbate, about 94% reach orgasm. That’s a much higher rate than when getting it on with people with penises, where depending on the context, only about 4% (hookup sex) to 64% (relationship sex) have orgasms.
What accounts for this disparity in orgasm rates during self-pleasure vs. partner-sex? It’s because when people with vulva’s and people with penis’s get it on together, they put their main focus on putting one inside the other, and forgo the importance of clitoral stimulation. A study conducted by a popular woman’s magazine found that in heterosexual encounters involving intercourse, 73% of our orgasm problems are due to not enough or not the right kind of clitoral stimulation.
The solution, then, is straightforward. As I say in Becoming Cliterate, “The most crucial action needed to orgasm with a partner is to get the same type of stimulation you use when pleasuring yourself.” The Feministing review called the idea of asking your partner to touch you the way you touch yourself “brilliant and weirdly under-utilized advice.”
Why is this advice so under-utilized? A lot of reasons. Studies show that women think it will be perceived as pushy to say what they need in bed. Interestingly, though, another study showed that men found this to be a turn-on. Still, two other reason women don’t ask for what they want sexually is lack of training in sexual communication and socialization to care more about being sexually desirable for others’ than on our own desires (i.e., the whole “if it’s good for him, it’s good for me” mentality that Peggy Orenstein describes). All of these reasons help explain why, in another study, women’s knowledge of their clitoris increased their orgasm rate in masturbation but not when having sex with a partner.
So, dear people-with-clits, I highly recommend you get to know what you need and then show/tell/ask your partner to touch you this way during a sexual encounter (or do it yourself). This is the most essential step to orgasm equality.
Still, if it was that easy, there wouldn’t be an orgasm gap. That’s why I’ve written a book with strategies on how to get the job done, so to speak. I’ll also write a few more of these letters to get you started.
This new collection of seven of Gould's books has just been issued by the Belknap Press of Harvard University Press. Gould (1941-2002) was a MacArthur Prize Fellow and a widely celebrated paleontologist and evolutionary theorist.
Choose any one of these books, any one of the essays originally written for a monthly column in Natural History magazine, and you'll understand how very educated and thoughtful Gould was. His writing is almost always clear, if occasionally convoluted. Unexpected insights abound.
From his final collection, I Have Landed: The End of a Beginning in Natural History (containing 32 halftones and 24 line illustrations), I read "The Jew and the Jewstone." I learned that Johann Schroder, in the mid-1600s, in his widely used handbook of remedies, wrote of a healing salve.
There's an unusual aspect of this salve, according to Gould, who had heard of it many times before seeing the actual words in a 1677 edition of the book. You have to apply the salve to the weapon that caused the wound, as well as to the wound itself. "For healing required a sympathetic treatment, a rebalancing, a 'putting right' of both the injurer and the injuree."
Nonsense, in other words, by scientific standards.
Yet that tidbit reminded me of a seventh grader I knew years ago who briefly attended a school run by Scientologists. Whenever a child was hurt by bumping into a cabinet, say, she was required to touch the cabinet that had hurt her. They called it a "touch-back." It was intended as a symbolic reexperiencing of the injury that would assist its cure. It sounded too weird. Now I realize what a long pre-scientific history such "sympathetic" treatments have. JEWSTONES?
Gould continues in his essay to report on what he read in 17th century Schroder's book. Fossil sea urchin spines (jew stones, or Lapis judaicus) were not conceived of as being evidence of ancient life, but were assigned healing properties. Thus kidney-shaped fossils worked on kidney stones.
And finally, Gould tells us, he read Schroder's defense of medicine and doctors, including that they help fight the most potent earthly devil: the Jews. Jews who are allowed to kill Christians without a pang of conscience. You can tell who they are by their ugliness, among other giveaways.
Seeing this in black and white made it much harder for Gould, whose father arrived in this country at Ellis Island, to stretch his compassion for the older, unscientific ways of seeing the world.
FLOW, AGAIN
One of the new reprints is not a collection of essays but a much fuller version of the presidential address Gould gave to a group of scientists in 2000. It's as imaginatively named as all of them: "The Hedgehog, the Fox, and the Magister's Pox: Mending the Gap between Science and the Humanities."
I'll only quote one paragraph because it illustrates both his theme and his writing style, as well as being about creativity and flow. And most of it is parenthetical:
The commonalities of creative thinking, and the psychology of mental drive and excitement, seem to transcend the logical differences of subject or approach. (I would not try to distinguish the emotions of exaltation felt in singing a particularly moving passage in Bach's Passion settings from the excitement of solving a tough little puzzle in the systematics of Cerion [the land snail of my personal research], and saying to myself, "Oh, so that's how it goes!" Late in his life, a celebrated senior colleague stated to me, during a chance encounter on the New York subway of all places, that he continued to love and practice research with all his heart because its pleasures could only be liked to "continual orgasm.")
*Lots of links to interviews with Gould, quotations, and more at an unofficial archive here.
Copyright (c) 2011 by Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
In 1948, Los Angeles urologist Arnold Kegel, M.D. was treating women suffering from stress incontinence, embarrassing urine leakage triggered by coughs, sneezes, and laughter. He wondered if the cause might be weak urinary sphincter muscles unable to stay closed under the abdominal pressure caused by these actions. The urinary sphincter muscles are located between the legs, part of the pelvic floor muscle group that runs from the lower abdomen to the anus. Kegel theorized that exercises focused on strengthening the pelvic floor muscles might help women keep their sphincters closed and cure stress incontinence. He was right. His exercise program, Kegel exercises, improve bladder control and usually cure stress incontinence within a month or two.
Then something unexpected happened. Many women he treated confided that his exercises did more than simply cure their stress incontinence. They also seemed to produce more intense, more pleasurable orgasms.
On reflection, Kegel was not surprised. The pelvic floor muscles, notably the pubococcygeus (or PC), are the ones that contract during orgasm. As the pelvic floor muscles became stronger, it made biological sense that orgasms would, too—in men as well as women.
Kegel Exercises Work
Since Kegel developed his exercises, many studies have demonstrated their effectiveness—for both stress incontinence and better orgasms. •In a 2015 study, Turkish researchers taught Kegel exercises to 90 women with stress incontinence. “We find Kegel exercises effective," they concluded. •In 2017, Iranian scientists worked with 145 menopausal women who complained of decreased sexual function and enjoyment. Some received standard medical care. Others attended a sex education class. And some attended the class and also practiced Kegels. After 12 weeks, the class/Kegel women reported the most erotic enhancement. How To
To do Kegels, first identify your PC. It’s the muscle you contract to interrupt urinating, or to squeeze out the last few drops. Try stopping your stream a few times to identify your PC. PC contractions also cause a tightening of the anus.
Once you’ve identified your PC, sex therapists recommend doing both slow and quick Kegels. For slow ones, flex your PC and hold it contracted for a slow count of three, then relax. For quick Kegels, contract and relax your PC as rapidly as you can, then relax.
Begin by doing five slow contractions and five quick ones three times a day. Each week, increase the number of contractions by five—to 10, 15, etc.—until you’re up to 25 slow and fast contractions three times a day. Don’t increase contractions more quickly or you may suffer soreness between the legs.
Kegels can be practiced almost anywhere. No one but you knows you’re doing them. You might do Kegels while showering, driving, or watching TV. Typically, it takes a month or two of daily Kegels to notice enhanced orgasms.
Other Ways to Do Kegels
If you don’t benefit sufficiently from do-it-yourself Kegels, you might consider pelvic floor muscle-toning devices offered by many personal care catalogs variously called Kegel Exercisers, Kegelmasters, or other names that usually include “Kegel,” “pelvic,” or “PC.” Positioned between the legs, working these gadgets tones the muscles between the legs. Biofeedback offers another effective approach to improving pelvic floor muscle tone. But a 2017 analysis by Canadian researchers shows that home practice of plain old Kegels is usually the most cost-effective approach.
Older Men: The Kegel-Prostate Connection
Compared with young guys, older men report more sex problems, notably erection impairment. But men don’t need erections to have orgasms, and many older men report something they never expected—more intense, more earth-moving orgasms. The reason: they've been doing Kegels without realizing it.
Older men develop prostate enlargement, which makes urination more difficult. To empty their bladders, older men must squeeze their pelvic floor muscles, in other words, do Kegels. So it’s no surprise that many report better orgasms.
No matter if you’re a man or woman, young or old, try some Kegel contractions right now. Keep practicing and in a month or so, you should notice more pleasurable orgasms, both solo and with partners.
And if you’re already a Kegel exerciser, I’d be interested to hear how they’ve worked for you.
There may not be anything all that unusual about women faking orgasms. But what about men? It turns out some men vie for Oscars in the bedroom too.
Why would a man need to fake an orgasm? To understand, it may be helpful to look at the reasons women give for doing so. One of the best discourses on this topic, from the "Show me" School rather than the dry medical literature, is the scene from the classic movie When Harry Met Sally, in which actors Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal are sitting in a restaurant discussing Crystal's certainty that no woman has ever faked an orgasm with him. "How do you know?" asks Meg Ryan. "Most women have faked it at one time or another." She then proceeds to mimic an orgasm, complete with moans and shrieks, right at their table. When she is done, a middle-aged woman sitting nearby says to the waiter, "I'll have what she's having."
Why do women fake orgasms? A female colleague suggests "it's just a little white lie." Women, she explains, don't always experience orgasms with sex, but men may be disappointed if she doesn't have one. Faking an orgasm makes the guy feel he's done a good job as a lover, and also allows the activity to come to an end, which can be particularly useful with a partner determined to prove his manly mettle.
So, what does this have to do with guys? Aren't men always able to have an orgasm? After all, the single most common sexual dysfunction among men is that they come too quickly, with anywhere from 10-30% of men reporting premature or rapid ejaculation in various studies. Yet not all men are alike, and some men may actually be unable to reach The Promised Land. Ever. Big problem.
A more complicated story was provided by Jim (real names not used), a 33 year old software engineer who had been married for a little more than one year. Jim was happy in his marriage to Gloria, and the sex was fine, but there was a catch- he just couldn't achieve an orgasm during intercourse. He had no trouble having an orgasm with masturbation, mind you. It was only a problem during sex.
Neither Jim nor Gloria had been very active sexually prior to their marriage, leaving them with little to compare this to. At first Gloria considered Jim's inability to climax "A little weird," but soon she began to doubt her own feminine skills and started to ask Jim, "Am I doing it wrong?" and "You don't find me sexy, do you?" The pressure mounted (!), and soon Jim hit upon a solution- he started faking his own orgasm. This seemed to work, as Gloria seemed pleased with their sex life. Yet Jim still didn't understand what was happening to him.
There can be a number of reasons why men may have a difficult time achieving an orgasm during intercourse. Medications, particularly the SSRI antidepressants, are the most common cause. Neurologic conditions and diabetes can contribute, by decreasing genital sensation. And sometimes it's psychological. I had a patient once who was ambivalent about having children. Although he had nodded assent when his wife asked "So, you agree it's ok if I stop taking my birth control pills?" he really didn't feel prepared to take the giant leap of fatherhood. No wonder he withheld his magic seed.
In Jim's case, it turned out that his technique of achieving orgasm during masturbation was to lie prone and rub his body against the bed, something he'd learned as a twelve-year old. As pointed out by my colleague, Dr. Michael Perelman, some masturbatory practices, such as Jim's, bear little resemblance to the stimulation achieved during actual intercourse. This seemed to be Jim's problem. The goal of therapy in these men is a hands-on approach ( of course!) in which the men re-train the penis so that they can learn to have an orgasm with stimulation that is more like sex. Eventually, men like Jim should be able to have an orgasm from sex itself. I've referred Jim to an experienced sex therapist, and I hear he's making good progress. In the meantime, he enjoys sex with his wife, but continues to fake orgasms.
Is it OK for Jim to do this? Is it really any different than a woman faking an orgasm, other than the missing "evidence" (more on that upcoming in Part 2)? Whether it's right or wrong is hard for me to say, but I do find Jim's motivations instructive. Jim fakes orgasms to make his wife feel okay about their sex life, and her own lovemaking skills. It really provides a different perspective on men, doesn't it?
Who says guys are just unfeeling louts who care only about themselves?
